Tuesday, February 28, 2006

My Craig's List ad for my car...

I have a total piece of crap car that is one of the most reliable junkers on the road. It's not worth the paper the title is printed on and I'm quite sure it was the inspiration behind Adam Sandler's song on his second CD, 1996's What the Hell Happened to Me?. Let me tell you what's wrong with it...

The air conditioner squeals (the belt that is) but I think it's the compressor or whatever the hell AC belts are attached to. I just know that if it breaks your power steering is kaput. It's worse in the summer, but that's why God invented windows. In the winter there's not so much squealing because of the cold weather. You thought I was going to say because you don't use the AC in the winter, right? Well actually, even though you may not be using the AC in the winter, although we may have to with all of this GLOBAL freakin WARMING, the defrost is actually tied to the AC. Again, not much to worry about in the winter due to the GLOBAL WARMING!

Uhm, all four tires are just about bare and the brakes squeal even when they're brand freakin' new. Some design flaw in the Neon brake pads or something.

Oh, one day my inner door panel had become disconnected from the metal door frame and basically locked me in the car. I went out the passenger side, and tried to open the door, but couldn't get in. It was like 20 below out at the time, because as we all know GLOBAL WARMING produces turbulent weather not Floridian weather, so I got back in the car (yes, on the passenger side) and reeled up on my back, knees tucked to my chin, and let 'er rip. I got the door open, but completely shattered the near-frozen inner door panel (on account of the GLOBAL WARMING and all). So I cut of the bad bits and reattached the top portion of the panel, so it looks a little MAD MAX, but the door lock, door handle, and the window crank all work.

There's a constant oil leak, so I pretty much wait until the "feed me Seymour" light comes on as an indication that I need to prick my finger and let it suckle my lacerated teat. I put in a quart of oil every week or so.

I don't know if it's related, but the "Check Engine Light" is always on. I think it came on around 100,000. I took it in the other day and the guy told me that he's not supposed to tell customers this, but if I wanted to spend the money to have the car fixed, that my money would be better spent as a down payment on a new car. Huh, I'm never patronizing them again - how rude!

The body paint has all joined the Hale Bop cometeers and is committing mass suicide by the sheet full. Actually, it's not as bad as some 96 Neons you see on the road... oh wait, you don't see any 96 Neons on the road anymore because they've all frickin died by now. That’s why this car is a classic! Or will be in 5 to 15 years. For a quick review of the definition of Classic vs. Antique cars, please refer to our friends at Wikipedia -

Ok, back to the list. It stinks, and it smells like Carbon Monoxide is coming straight through the ventilation system. I have asthma really bad and get pneumonia every year, but that's because of, uhm... that other thing... that causes… that... to happen.

I have the original key that glows in the dark. It has original shocks, exhaust, windshield, and probably most other things that people would have had replaced after ten years. Oh, it has 145,000 miles on it. I bought it while I was in VA Beach, and did it to spite my ex wife who was trying to get my truck in the divorce, so one day when she asked for a ride somewhere (probably to an abortion clinic), on the way I saw a dealership and traded in the truck for the Neon (and she aborted my unborn child), with her right there and she couldn't do or say anything. HAH! Take that bitch! I got an overpriced $25,000 Neon that was only worth $12,000 brand new because of a ridiculous loss on a trade-in, and you don't even get child support! Stoopid. Since then, because I was a free man, the car took me on booty calls to NH, AL, and all points in between. Actually I lied, there was only one booty call. All of the others were for the sole purpose of drinking and driving. Did you know that if you're in a bind and meant to buy a twist off bottle and accidentally bought a pop top bottle that you can use your seat belt buckle to pry it off? How can you use your seat belt while you are safely fastened, you ask? We're talking about drinkin' and drivin' people – we’re pretty much pissin' in the safety wind at this point! Stick with me! So that's probably what the stink is... puke and beer... and beer puke... and maybe just a wee bit o' urine, but not much, because that's just nasty.

Once again, I digress. There's a ton of dust, like an inch thick, and I surely ain't cleaning Shiite. You'ld be lucky if I take the bodies out of the trunk for you. We may just have to consider them a signing bonus.

The dash panel circuit board was replaced after all of the dials started going all X-Files on me, and I got that funny sunburn on one side of my face. The engine (maybe transmission) mounts were replaced after the transmission would slam into gear. I mention these to let you know that, as problems arise, I take proper care of my car, and that I am focused on delivering to you a quality piece of machinery.


I hit a big yellow bus - it was in my blind spot. There were kids on the bus. Don't even say anything. Yes, beer was involved. I thought that going for a drive after downing a pitcher of Icehouse at the local Suds and Duds would pass the time while I waited for my clothes to dry, when off to my left was a mattress store. "Oooh!" I thought. I should look at mattresses, so I shoot over to the next lane, when all of a sudden, "Eee-rr--scrape-scrape, crunch." I hit the bus. Fortunately it was minor stuff right after I bought it so it got taken care of right away. Again, me looking out for you, the consumer.

There's a CD/MP3 player in the car that I'm totally taking out and leaving a big fat gaping hole for you to store your sunglasses and driving gloves. I'll leave the speakers for you though. I bought them and installed them, and probably didn't hook the little door panel hooky thingies up right… hence the Mad Max door panel incident.

Despite all of the paint suicide, there's only one tiny bit of rust on the whole car. Just a nickel sized spot on the hood. You might want to get that fixed. I rusty car is an unhappy car.

Oh, one last thing, there isn't a single piece of duct tape anywhere and the seats are all intact! Therefore no springs poking you in the ass a-la "Ode to my Car." Actually, aside from the Mad Max door, and a dirt/puke/beer/urine stained floor, the interior is pretty clean. YES, and FREAKIN DUST! Must you remind me about everything?!

Seriously, (as if any of these Million Tiny Pieces were serious… or true – HAH! there’s a pop culture reference that’s going to last for about a split sec… - oops, there it goes).

Again, seriously, I have a car to sell for around $500. If you bring a check, then we have to go through some sort of weird dance with trying to get it deposited, and certainly, if you're the type who needs a $500 car, or finds crap like this humorous, you probably don't have a checking account anyway, so you're totally trying to scam me, so just bring cash. In fact, if you can bring cash, I'll give it to you for $400. Otherwise, $500 and a dance.


Oh, I forgot the PS.

PS – Compare Prices! Check out these other people on Craig’s List selling Neons, and remember, I’m telling the truth, the car works, and everyone else except for me is crazy!

Response to posts on

Oh, what a wonderful world we will have when GREEN takes over the landscape. (Funny, that's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?) What about when it takes over the corporate and political landscape? Perhaps we will finally have a redefinition of political ideologies. We could follow the Germans in their near abuse of the term "Democratic" for all of their political parties and divvy up the Green Party into the Green Conservatives, the Green Labor Party, the Green People's Front of Judea, and... the Democrats (they just don't know when to give up). Mudslinging will involve organic mud and "My policy is greener than your policy" and "I'm greener than your thumb" types of rhetoric will replace debates over who started the Internet. Even "Big Business" can be renamed the "Green Machine" as we all think fondly of our childhood and that crazy big wheel that you could spin out on always in one direction causing your front tire to wear so that you rode leaning over all of the time... and all of the activists will have nothing to do, except grow tomatoes.

Now that we have the humor portion out of the way, which is often times sorely missed here on WorldChanging because, rightly so, everyone feels very passionate about the subjects that are debated on this site, but no corporation is going to get it right the first time. Environmentalism was the embryonic stage of Sustainability's baby steps, perhaps even Sustainability's first "Agoo." The Activists will have to postpone their tomato garden as they will have plenty of work for some time to come as each corporation's true nature and continued damage are revealed from beneath their eco song and dance. Rather than post incendiary responses to some of the most important thoughts coming from the Blogosphere that will no doubt help to reshape the world we live in (perhaps even be "world changing"?), be more of a forward thinking world citizen and recognize where we came from, where we are now, and where we will be when our "agoo" changes to crawling, walking, running, etc (you know the whole human birth to death lifecycle metaphor). What will Episode III of the Environmentalism and Sustainability saga be? Stay tuned to WorldChanging, because I guaran-freakin-tee you you will be hearing about it right here.

Thanks for bearing with me as I muddled through my humor-rant, because I truly believe this is a step in the right direction. Only a moment more, then you may be dismissed. Just wait until the mass media actually starts reporting on this stuff. Liberal media bias my ass! All of us here know that's a crock, so let's not mock or judge the subject or it's hosts, and know that the times, they are-a-changin'. C'mon, GM has an E85 fuel ad on primetime for cryin' out loud! It's not the freakin' Susan B. Anthony or the Sacagawea - this is going to work, and it's here to stay. Get on board you nay-sayers and start being proactive. The time for bitching about how nothing will ever work is over. Now's the time to act, SO ACT!